July 28, 2011

Wow. So.Today started out with me getting up an hour late accidentally. And then I get on Skype to talk to my wonderful boyfriend. Who's laptop conveniently doesn't have video that particular morning. Come to find out...oh yes, I am being dumped while I am in an effing different country by the boy I thought I was going to marry. I sure know how to pick winners. The rest of the day consisted of me trying to hold it together while I was watching the kids at this random fun park place, and it was like super hard. I had to go off to the bathroom a couple of times to cry. I also cried literally the entire bus ride there. Mostly, I think I was in shock. I mean seriously who does the exact same thing to someone three times like that. But then again, who lets someone do that to them three times. Fail for sure on my part. I don't think I can ever give a second chance again, because I figure the guy I'm supposed to end up with won't need one. If you love someone you don't leave them for any reason (except like cheating or abuse) period. There is no....when its convenient for me crap. You fight for what you love, not push them away. And I deserve better than that. I think more than anything this time, I am just angry. So angry that he thinks he has the right to lead anyone on like this three times, angry that I let him lead me on, angry for not seeking what I deserved instead of what I wanted, and angry for how much time I have wasted on someone who was not even worth my time to begin with. And Not only did I lose the person I loved more than anyone I ever have before, I lost my best friend, and the potential future I had with him. And I know I'll find someone for me. Someone who would rather die than leave me, and someone who can say, "You are perfect for me" and "I won't live without you." That's what I want. I don't need all the cheesy fairy tale bull. I just want something real, and something that will last, and something that is blessed by God. My own version of a fairy tale. And I will, and I am going to wait for that. It is sad it took me three times with the same person to realize, but I loved him. And I loved who I knew he could be perhaps more than who he actually was. I took all the good times and made excuses for the bad things and the things that irked me. Because when you love someone, you love all of them, not just the pieces you want to. So I guess you could say I have been blinded by love for almost two years. But this time is already different, and that makes me hopeful. I'm not feeling the urge to be friends, and desperately seeking his approval. I'm not hoping one day he will change his mind and want me back. I'm not looking to my future as hopeless and not thinking I will ever love anyone the way I love him like I did last time. I know for sure, that what God has in store for me is going to be so much better. And if I loved Dillon that much, I can't even wait to feel what I will for the man I end up falling in love with and marrying, and starting a family with. And this time, he will feel that and more back for me too. Because that's what I deserve. Someone who will put in as much effort into a relationship as I did. Being in a relationship means you always give 100% of what you have. Of course sometimes you don't have that much to give due to hardships or whatever, but you still give 100% of what you do have. Its about give and take, not pushing away and hiding when things get hard. I really did love him more than I can even say, and each time he looked at me I thought how lucky I was to love someone as handsome as him. But i'd rather be able to say "how lucky am I to be able to love someone as handsome, selfless, and loving as he is." and someday I will.

Before we left for the field trip, when we first got to the center, I dazily walked up to the center and saw Aiden running towards me to cuddle with me and give me a hug. At that moment, i started to tear up, and all I could think is, Thank God for kids. Two summers in a row they have helped me deal with a breakup by just being there. I gave Aiden the biggest bear hug and thanked him for being so excited to see me. At the field trip, we were at another indoor fun park thing called Jump Inn. There was this huge blow up slide and trampolines, and everything else was basically like Fun Park. After lunch Emily and I sat at the top of the huge slide and watched kids go down it, and sometimes went ourselves. Juan kept stealing our walkie talkies. he is like a pick pocket in the making, it was soooo impressive.